Monday, August 16, 2010

A Dedication


I think I owe you an explanation. This won't come easy so listen first.

I know you need everything spelled out for you. So I'll spell it out.

Remember that conversation we had two weeks ago? Guess what? That was all about you.

So stop getting puzzled with my sudden burst of mood swings and tantrums. Know that these things, these emotions, are so new to me, so alien, I try so hard to make sense of it, to contain them too much, that sometimes I can't help if it explodes right out of me.

Don't ask me why, how or when. These are things I cannot answer either.

The first time everything began to dawn on me, it scared the wits right out of me. It's like I cannot think, I cannot breathe, I cannot move. I'm stuck in an emotional quicksand and I'm sinking way too fast.

So I did what seemed to me the most logical solution that my increasingly incapacitated mind could think of. I tried to do away with you.

And I did. Quite successfully. For awhile.

What I wasn't expecting was how difficult it actually was to do away with you.

I fool myself sometimes a thousand times that it just isn't so. It just isn't so. It JUST isn't. But I've been repeating it too much lately it's beginning to sound rather lame.

You've knocked your way into my orbit, you've become a part of my world's axis, and I don't even have any idea how that happened.

I just don't know.

I used to find it so strange how easy it was for you to anger me and then erase it all the next breath. It's terrible. It’s awful.

You bring out the BEAST in me. I just hate the way I react with you. I hate what I become when I'm around you.

I hate the fact that you're so close, but I also hate the thought of not having you around.

I hate how you always solve every mess I make. I even hate how you don't hate me for all the mess I've forced you to solve.

I hate the way you seem to start my day when you arrive, much worse how empty it is when you don't show up.

I hate how you keep me on my toes waiting for your replies. I hate the fact that you make me smile when you DO reply

I hate how you don't speak to me at times when I won't speak to you. You know I hate the silence. I just can't stand the way that you can stand it when I surely can’t.

I hate how mature you handle the times when I'm being immature. I hate how you can put me in my place when I'm being stubborn and unreasonable.

I hate how I remember every little thing you did for me. Even worse, hate the way you forget every single thing I did for you.

And if there’s one thing I hate most of all, it's knowing how strongly you are affecting me, when I don't affect you just as much as you do me.

I hate it. I simply hate it. And I hate it even more that I don't hate you. NOT for my lack of trying, but because I can't. And whenever I do get the energy to "hate" you, I end up all drained and exhausted.

Now don't go hysterical on me. If you do, then there'd be two of us.

It's a bad combination to start with really. You're emotionally-impaired, I'm oversensitive. Things that mean nothing to you can mean a whole lot to me.

I really need to get this out of my system. I really need to get YOU out of my system. Coz if you think throwing tantrums and sudden bouts of fit is easy, well you're in for a surprise. It’s a whole lot harder than you'd think.

You are a puzzle to me. A puzzle which I still cannot seem to solve no matter how much I try to arrange and rearrange it. It bothers me to no end!

But I'll get there. One day I'll be able to figure you out. And once I do, you can take my word on this, I'll tuck that puzzle safely, hidden away, somewhere, until all that is left of it in me will just be a memory. And there'll be no turning back.

1 comment:

  1. para pala syang Rubik's cube..na sinira ko :(..heheheh peace..

    ReplyDelete